Late-night hosts criticized Donald Trump’s attacks on Iran, the problem with advising Americans to evacuate the Middle East and the closure of many college students’ favorite pizza takeout spot.
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers discussed a recent Trump interview where the president described the Iran bombings as “knocking the crap” out of the country, adding: “We haven’t even started hitting them hard. The big wave hasn’t even happened, the big one is coming soon.”
“Man, the commander in chief is supposed to be able to keep military secrets,” Meyers laughed. “He’s so excited to bomb people, he can’t help himself.
“Maybe he’s not in the Epstein files,” the host went on. “It honestly feels like he would have told us by now.”
Meyers went on to discuss Trump’s recent speech at a medal of honor ceremony, where rambling remarks included comments about the White House drapes. The president added that he attempted to get a Medal of Honor for himself, but was told that it would “be bad protocol”.
“I just want you to consider how many things he’s admitting here,” Meyers said. “He’s admitting he tried to give himself a medal of honor, he’s admitting it’s a bad look, and he’s admitting that he had to be told it’s a bad look.
“It’s one thing if you have a puppy that has to be told not to piss in the house,” said Meyers. “This is like a 16 year old dog that still has to be told not to piss in the house.”
The host then addressed the sad news that pizza chain Papa Johns would be closing 300 underperforming locations: “How do you tell which ones are underperforming when they’re all selling Papa Johns?”
Jimmy Kimmel
On Tuesday night’s show, Jimmy Kimmel focused on America’s war on Iran and reports that Donald Trump is aiming to complete the attacks before supplies of munitions run out.
“We have a virtually unlimited supply of these weapons,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “The war can be fought ‘forever’ and very successfully, using just these supplies.”
“Oh good, the war can be fought forever,” the host said with a grim laugh. “Just like the war his stomach is fighting with his pants.”
“I’m not an expert on this, but I’m pretty sure our military doesn’t have unlimited weapons,” Kimmel continued. “It’s a stockpile, it’s not a buffet at the Golden Corral.”
Trump’s attacks on Iran come despite his prior promises not to start any wars while in office, resulting in what Kimmel called the president’s “nut jugglers” working overtime to justify the conflict. “Bibi and Trump are the modern Roosevelt and Churchill combination,” one Fox News commenter said. “Does it go by weight?” asked the host. “Trump would be Churchill, right?”
Kimmel then moved to news that Trump will be attending the White House Correspondents Dinner for the first time. The president found the invitation to be a ringing endorsement, saying: “These correspondents now admit that I am truly one of the greatest presidents in the history of our country, the Goat according to many.”
“They call you the Goat … it isn’t an acronym, it’s an animal that eats garbage,” the host said.
Kimmel then directly addressed the president. “Mr President, please let me host this dinner. I’ve never asked you for anything before. Can you imagine? You, me, the commissioner of the FCC all at a table together? Think of the ratings.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Colbert addressed the US state department’s advice that Americans should leave the Middle East region in the wake of the war in Iran. The problem with this plan, laid out by secretary of state Marco Rubio, is that flights are either extremely limited or grounded entirely.
“If they can’t leave, then what are they supposed to do?” asked the host. “Just wander around the desert? We all know why that took Moses 40 years.”
The host went on to discuss a CNN poll finding that 59% of Americans disapprove of the Iran strikes, as well as reports that US commanders at military bases have told troops that “President Trump has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause armageddon and mark his return to earth.”
“That’s one exit strategy!” remarked Colbert, before dusting off a gold helmet with a “no slip rapture grip so the lid can yank me into heaven.”
The host continued by addressing Trump’s seeming lack of focus for the war in the wake of the death of Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.
“They’re going to have to post the job on Indeed,” joked the host. “Supreme leader qualifications: charismatic, proficient in Excel, not dead a plus.’
Towards the end of his monologue, Colbert turned to secretary of defense Pete Hegseth’s comments about the conflict. “This is not a so-called regime change war, but the regime sure did change.”
The host concluded: “You discount Dr Seuss douchebag.”
